Hangry in Maine

Here’s the thing: I NEED iced coffee daily (or some sort of cold caffeinated beverage) or I turn into a full-blown menace to society. Like, Brad Marchand level type menace, like for the safety of those around me, caffeine is basically public service work. The caffeine doesn’t even energize me anymore, I’ve built up such a tolerance that it’s essentially just a mood stabilizer. At this point it’s just the bare minimum required to make me tolerable and to keep me from yelling red lights for not turning to green fast enough.

But in an effort to be financially responsible (because apparently my millennial ass is supposed to sacrifice iced coffee, avocado toast, and JOY if I ever want to buy a house someday), I’ve been trying to make my own coffee at home, instead of supporting my local Dunkin’ every morning. My wallet is happier and my morning commute is cut in half (no more 20 minute lines), but oat milk & caramel swirl stock has probably tanked. Making it at home is supposed to be simple, right? Brew, ice, chug, adulting status achieved. Check!

Except, no. I’ve been spiraling down the DIY coffee rabbit hole, checking out all the TikTok’s and YouTubes and “coffee influencers”, and let me tell you, it’s unhinged. Example: Have you seen the viral Fluffy Seagull coffee/latte? It’s a fluffernutter (peanut butter and marshmallow fluff combo, for all of you non-New Englanders out there) flavored coffee. I saw this cute lil “hack” where you melt peanut butter and mix it into your iced coffee, instead of having to make your own syrup or buy a peanut butter flavored syrup. Sounds dreamy, right? Wrong! In reality? Congratufuckinglations, once that shit hits the ice, you’ve just made your own peanut butter magic shell! My coffee instantly turned into this chunky mess, clots of flacid peanut butter clogged my straw, and the peanut butter icebergs just bobbed up and down, mocking me, while I sipped and chewed on my “drink”.

So, here is where I’ve landed:

• Just buy the damn flavored syrup(s)
  • You can get them at a discount at TJ Maxx and on Amazon or there’s always coupon codes floating around the web from Torani, Monin, and Skinny Mixes.
• Splurge once a week at your favorite coffee shop
  • I prefer Thursday mornings, as Thursday is my payday. It’s my weekly pick-me-up that I desperately look forward to.
• Stop trying to turn your kitchen into a boujee-ass coffee house
  • you’re not an influencer, or a barista (unless you are, then kudos to you)

The semi-enlightened thought here? Sometimes coffee (or any other food/drink/snack), isn’t just coffee. It’s ritual, comfort, and the fragile line between functioning human and feral chihuahua. And maybe the real “financial” advice isn’t “cut out your daily latte”, but instead it’s “find the things that keep you grounded and budget for them” (within reason, of course). Because sometimes sanity costs $6.29, and that’s still cheaper than therapy, or bail money.